And sometimes I will be driving by a familiar place and it will hit me – he’s gone. And I still cannot believe it. I am approaching the roundabout, checking my right side, looking at the mouth of the second exit and the thought comes to my head that it is preposterous that he is not here. It is impossible that he is not at home. It is not the natural order of things. For some reason the sequence of events leading up to the last hour of his life come unbidden into my mind. I am lying in bed remembering it all and it brings tears to my eyes. More than tears – huge sobs, sobs that I have to mute for fear of waking my partner who is sleeping peacefully beside me.